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Literature Text
The Contract
Boo sat on the floor, his tail twitching in annoyance that he had no choice but to wait in that godforsaken office. He was not a patient feline, but anyone would be upset at waiting 30 minutes for a meeting set up by the other party. He was an important cat and his time was valuable. Of course, cats don't generally have much to do on any given day but nap and get fed, but Boo wasn't just any feline. Beneath that silky black coat and lithe muscle was one of the most powerful witch familiars ever to have lived.
He, Bugaboo Familiari, had served all the great witches throughout their careers and was presently waiting for his latest employer to come greet him. Considering his reputation and resume, it was odd that he was being kept waiting. If he wasn't such a stickler for tradition, the cat would have left some time ago. After all, he had been summoned so he would just have to suck it up.
The demonic feline had already grown weary of waiting in La Rhatte's dimly lit study. He had already counted all the decorative cobwebs scattered in the dark corners of the room, become bored with the candles that burned with a purple flame and smelled of hemlock, had read all the titles on the spines of all the dusty leather-bound spell books lined the shelves, and had long since become irritated by the many grinning skulls that littered every available flat surface.
Boo came to the conclusion that La Rhatte needed a better decorator. Her office nearly resembled a tacky Halloween display, though he doubted the witch would appreciate that comment. His ears finally caught the sound of the doorknob turning and he was all at once relieved and annoyed. He hoped the witch had a good excuse.
"Boo, darling~" The endearment was completely ruined by the voice, hoarse and scratchy with no hint of warmth. Boo turned his head to the doorway, his tail continuing to twitch to show his displeasure at being kept waiting.
Before him stood La Rhatte Noire. She was your stereotypical Wicked Witch; ugly, green, warty. She was dressed in all black, her hat was pointed, and her stockings fashionably striped orange and black. She also looked as if she came from a tacky Halloween display, but the feline decided to keep that to himself.
"I am so sorry Boo, honey. I was just getting the final copy of the contract for you to sign. Once I get your mark, you can start immediately." There was almost something a bit off with the way Rhatte spoke to the feline familiar, but Boo was a tad too impatient to notice.
La Rhatte placed a formal looking document and an ink pad before the black cat. Without sparing the contract a glance, Boo dipped his paw into the ink and pressed it against the bottom of the contract.
"Areyoudoneokthank-you~!" La Rhatte spoke briskly, quickly rolling up the document. By now, Boo was suspicious. He looked up at La Rhatte expectantly. She had said they would be starting immediately.
"You stupid cat, you aren't going to be employed to me." There was a hint of malicious triumph in the witch's voice, her eyes gleaming brightly. "You see, I needed an experienced familiar to help my daughter prepare to take over the Noire name. As you know, you are the most qualified." The compliment came out in such a harsh, malicious manner that it hardly sounded like a compliment at all.
Boo's tail went stock still. He had been tricked! He never worked for newbie witches! He found them to be annoying wastes of space and La Rhatte knew that. Damn witch…Well, maybe it wouldn't be so bad. The Noire family was known for producing only the most Wicked Witches, so La Rhatte's daughter has some pedigree behind her.
"Fleure! Get in here!" La Rhatte barked, jerking the feline out of his musings. He was fully prepared for what was to come out of that door. All Wicked Witches were some level of hideous, so he was rather used to it.
The door creaked open slowly, revealing…a pretty little girl.
Boo's eyes nearly popped out of his head. This was La Rhatte's daughter? Was she really even remotely related to La Rhatte? Boo looked from the girl to La Rhatte and back again, trying to see some sort of resemblance...or maybe he was just waiting for someone to start laughing, to tell him that this had all been some elaborate joke. Of course, that was not the case. Boo was never that lucky.
Moments earlier, Fleure was standing on the other side of the door, trying to steel herself as she waited for her mother to call for her. Her mother's associates were all some level of hideous, you'd think she would be used to it by now. Something was always oozing pus or smelling of rotting flesh not to mention the unusual number of limbs and/or tentacles.
She took a deep breath and slowly opened the door. Imagine her surprise when her gaze fell on a small black cat. This was Bugaboo? He was actually…kinda cute. Even with his obviously disgruntled expression. In any case, it was better than any of the other creatures her mother had her meet.
"Y-yes, mother?" The young girl stuttered, obviously afraid of the green hag. The timid tone in the girl's voice made Boo's whiskers twitch in displeasure. This girl, this Fleure, had clear skin, shiny brown hair, big brown eyes, and was all around just…cute. Definitely not Wicked Witch material. How could this be La Rhatte's daughter?
"This is Boo, you new familiar. He's going to help make you a proper Wicked Witch." With that, La Rhatte turned on her heel a left, leaving the two alone. The little witch was Boo's problem now.
Boo looked at Fleure and Fleure looked at Boo, wringing her little broom in her tiny hands nervously. Great, now she was all nervous again. She had heard stories of the great demon familiar Boo, of Bugaboo Familiari, and now she was alone with him. The demonic familiar that had helped Helga the Horrible steal the Jade Dragon's pearl. The demonic familiar that had once disemboweled a small army for their insult against Greta the Gruesome. She was feeling more than a little intimidated, to say the least.
"Um…wh-what do we do now?" The girl stuttered timidly, drawing Boo's attention back to her. She was just standing there, fidgeting and blushing adorably in embarrassment as she bit her lip, looking imploringly at the dark feline. If he had been a different sort of cat, he might have started slamming his head against a wall. There was no way this was going to work out
He could tell right then and there that this girl was never going to be a Wicked Witch. Heck, she didn't even look mildly mean! Boo hung his head dejectedly at the prospect of having to deal with this for the next 500 years. Damn those binding contracts! He deeply regretted not reading the fine print or any print at all for that matter . He should have known that damn Rhatte would pull something like this. She was, after all, one of the trickier witches he had the displeasure of knowing.
Fleure could have sworn she saw a look of anguish pass over the feline's furry visage, but it had been so brief that it was hard to tell.
Boo sat on the floor, his tail twitching in annoyance that he had no choice but to wait in that godforsaken office. He was not a patient feline, but anyone would be upset at waiting 30 minutes for a meeting set up by the other party. He was an important cat and his time was valuable. Of course, cats don't generally have much to do on any given day but nap and get fed, but Boo wasn't just any feline. Beneath that silky black coat and lithe muscle was one of the most powerful witch familiars ever to have lived.
He, Bugaboo Familiari, had served all the great witches throughout their careers and was presently waiting for his latest employer to come greet him. Considering his reputation and resume, it was odd that he was being kept waiting. If he wasn't such a stickler for tradition, the cat would have left some time ago. After all, he had been summoned so he would just have to suck it up.
The demonic feline had already grown weary of waiting in La Rhatte's dimly lit study. He had already counted all the decorative cobwebs scattered in the dark corners of the room, become bored with the candles that burned with a purple flame and smelled of hemlock, had read all the titles on the spines of all the dusty leather-bound spell books lined the shelves, and had long since become irritated by the many grinning skulls that littered every available flat surface.
Boo came to the conclusion that La Rhatte needed a better decorator. Her office nearly resembled a tacky Halloween display, though he doubted the witch would appreciate that comment. His ears finally caught the sound of the doorknob turning and he was all at once relieved and annoyed. He hoped the witch had a good excuse.
"Boo, darling~" The endearment was completely ruined by the voice, hoarse and scratchy with no hint of warmth. Boo turned his head to the doorway, his tail continuing to twitch to show his displeasure at being kept waiting.
Before him stood La Rhatte Noire. She was your stereotypical Wicked Witch; ugly, green, warty. She was dressed in all black, her hat was pointed, and her stockings fashionably striped orange and black. She also looked as if she came from a tacky Halloween display, but the feline decided to keep that to himself.
"I am so sorry Boo, honey. I was just getting the final copy of the contract for you to sign. Once I get your mark, you can start immediately." There was almost something a bit off with the way Rhatte spoke to the feline familiar, but Boo was a tad too impatient to notice.
La Rhatte placed a formal looking document and an ink pad before the black cat. Without sparing the contract a glance, Boo dipped his paw into the ink and pressed it against the bottom of the contract.
"Areyoudoneokthank-you~!" La Rhatte spoke briskly, quickly rolling up the document. By now, Boo was suspicious. He looked up at La Rhatte expectantly. She had said they would be starting immediately.
"You stupid cat, you aren't going to be employed to me." There was a hint of malicious triumph in the witch's voice, her eyes gleaming brightly. "You see, I needed an experienced familiar to help my daughter prepare to take over the Noire name. As you know, you are the most qualified." The compliment came out in such a harsh, malicious manner that it hardly sounded like a compliment at all.
Boo's tail went stock still. He had been tricked! He never worked for newbie witches! He found them to be annoying wastes of space and La Rhatte knew that. Damn witch…Well, maybe it wouldn't be so bad. The Noire family was known for producing only the most Wicked Witches, so La Rhatte's daughter has some pedigree behind her.
"Fleure! Get in here!" La Rhatte barked, jerking the feline out of his musings. He was fully prepared for what was to come out of that door. All Wicked Witches were some level of hideous, so he was rather used to it.
The door creaked open slowly, revealing…a pretty little girl.
Boo's eyes nearly popped out of his head. This was La Rhatte's daughter? Was she really even remotely related to La Rhatte? Boo looked from the girl to La Rhatte and back again, trying to see some sort of resemblance...or maybe he was just waiting for someone to start laughing, to tell him that this had all been some elaborate joke. Of course, that was not the case. Boo was never that lucky.
Moments earlier, Fleure was standing on the other side of the door, trying to steel herself as she waited for her mother to call for her. Her mother's associates were all some level of hideous, you'd think she would be used to it by now. Something was always oozing pus or smelling of rotting flesh not to mention the unusual number of limbs and/or tentacles.
She took a deep breath and slowly opened the door. Imagine her surprise when her gaze fell on a small black cat. This was Bugaboo? He was actually…kinda cute. Even with his obviously disgruntled expression. In any case, it was better than any of the other creatures her mother had her meet.
"Y-yes, mother?" The young girl stuttered, obviously afraid of the green hag. The timid tone in the girl's voice made Boo's whiskers twitch in displeasure. This girl, this Fleure, had clear skin, shiny brown hair, big brown eyes, and was all around just…cute. Definitely not Wicked Witch material. How could this be La Rhatte's daughter?
"This is Boo, you new familiar. He's going to help make you a proper Wicked Witch." With that, La Rhatte turned on her heel a left, leaving the two alone. The little witch was Boo's problem now.
Boo looked at Fleure and Fleure looked at Boo, wringing her little broom in her tiny hands nervously. Great, now she was all nervous again. She had heard stories of the great demon familiar Boo, of Bugaboo Familiari, and now she was alone with him. The demonic familiar that had helped Helga the Horrible steal the Jade Dragon's pearl. The demonic familiar that had once disemboweled a small army for their insult against Greta the Gruesome. She was feeling more than a little intimidated, to say the least.
"Um…wh-what do we do now?" The girl stuttered timidly, drawing Boo's attention back to her. She was just standing there, fidgeting and blushing adorably in embarrassment as she bit her lip, looking imploringly at the dark feline. If he had been a different sort of cat, he might have started slamming his head against a wall. There was no way this was going to work out
He could tell right then and there that this girl was never going to be a Wicked Witch. Heck, she didn't even look mildly mean! Boo hung his head dejectedly at the prospect of having to deal with this for the next 500 years. Damn those binding contracts! He deeply regretted not reading the fine print or any print at all for that matter . He should have known that damn Rhatte would pull something like this. She was, after all, one of the trickier witches he had the displeasure of knowing.
Fleure could have sworn she saw a look of anguish pass over the feline's furry visage, but it had been so brief that it was hard to tell.
So, I ended up rewriting the first 'episode' of my little story for Creative Writing.
I thought it could use some more description and just...well, just a bit more in general.
If you want to read the original, it be here: [link]
And if you feel so inclined, I would appreciate it if you told me which one you preferred. My Creative Writing teacher never gives me enough critiques U_U
Edit: Another redo xD . Oh, and I can tell you know that it probably has a bunch of comma splices so...yeah, sorry about that >.>
This story and everything in it is pretty much my creation, so no stealy mmmkay?
I thought it could use some more description and just...well, just a bit more in general.
If you want to read the original, it be here: [link]
And if you feel so inclined, I would appreciate it if you told me which one you preferred. My Creative Writing teacher never gives me enough critiques U_U
Edit: Another redo xD . Oh, and I can tell you know that it probably has a bunch of comma splices so...yeah, sorry about that >.>
This story and everything in it is pretty much my creation, so no stealy mmmkay?
© 2009 - 2024 VampirePumpkins
Comments6
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This piece is interesting. To summarize my thoughts, it holds a lot of potential but doesn't seem to go anywhere with it.
The idea is actually quite original, tell the story of a witch through the eyes of a familiar. It works, it's charming, simple and has a lot of possibilities and places to go from there. My problem is that I guess it must've went over my head. I'd like to consider myself an intelligent person but I don't know what the message is here, I don't know what the point of the story is.
It just feels like the first part of a much larger story, not a stand alone short story, largely because it doesn't really go anywhere. I guess you could look at it as a "don't agree to something without knowing what you're getting into," kind of fable, but that doesn't quite make sense. Boo's fate doesn't seem all that horrible so that can't be it.
At any rate what interests me most is the setting. It just radiates a kind of deep mythology that, which is why I love reading. You talk about historical witches and great tales of the past and it just attracts me. It looks at witches in such a traditional, almost cartoon like fashion that it's quite refreshing. I think this could form the basis of a full series of novels if done expanded upon properly. Fleure's expectations toward Boo and Boo's toward here quite quickly give the reader a very solid concept of this world.
At the beginning I was under the impression that the story might look at society's tendency to treat attractive people better than unattractive ones. You get La Rhatte, while horribly ugly, being very nice and sweet toward Boo, the cat brushing her off and dismissing her. I thought that it would then go to him meeting an attractive but rude and cruel witch whom he in turn would treat kindly, thus shedding light on the world's tendency to perceive others based almost solely on their physical appearance. Instead it kind of goes the opposite way, ugly witch is evil, pretty witch isn't, or at least she doesn't seem to be, we really don't get to see much of her.
Technically it's fairly sound, only a few errors that I'll just correct for you.
You write thirty as 30, it's generally considered bad form to use numbers in creative writing, in place of actually spelling out the number.
"Boo, darling~"
I'm not sure why you use a tilde here. Wouldn't it make far more sense and be far simpler to just put a period? A tilde is a symbol, when used in the English language, denotes an approximation. It has no place in prose, I don't know why you'd use it here.
"Areyoudoneokthank-you~!"
Again with the tilde, it has no purpose. You try to convey that she's speaking very quickly here and without pause but it's unwise to simply write it all as one word. It's confusing and difficult to read. Thank you is two seperate words, it's not traditionally hyphenated.
The door creaked open slowly, revealing…a pretty little girl.
When you use ellipses it's generally better to have a space between the final period and the next word. Also, avoid ellipses outside of dialogue, it's used to indicate a long pause. In dialogue the effect is better simulated by long, tense descriptions that slowly reveal the item of interest, or stall the reader long enough to create a sense of anticipation.
I don't like to see people subjectively declaring a character as attractive within the narration. In a story like this the narrator is an impartial speaker and thus should not impart opinion, and attractiveness subjective to each person. There are some situations where this is excusable but not many. It's far better to describe the character in a conventionally attractive manner or have a character state that the character is attractive so that it remains subjective to the reader.
"This is Boo, you new familiar."
I believe you meant to say, "your new familiar."
Watch for spacing, I saw a few instances of punctuation sitting all on its own or squished between two words. The punctuation should be directly following the last word, and have a space between itself and the next word.
I apologize if I didn't "get" the story. Maybe its just me or maybe you need to make it a bit more clear.
The idea is actually quite original, tell the story of a witch through the eyes of a familiar. It works, it's charming, simple and has a lot of possibilities and places to go from there. My problem is that I guess it must've went over my head. I'd like to consider myself an intelligent person but I don't know what the message is here, I don't know what the point of the story is.
It just feels like the first part of a much larger story, not a stand alone short story, largely because it doesn't really go anywhere. I guess you could look at it as a "don't agree to something without knowing what you're getting into," kind of fable, but that doesn't quite make sense. Boo's fate doesn't seem all that horrible so that can't be it.
At any rate what interests me most is the setting. It just radiates a kind of deep mythology that, which is why I love reading. You talk about historical witches and great tales of the past and it just attracts me. It looks at witches in such a traditional, almost cartoon like fashion that it's quite refreshing. I think this could form the basis of a full series of novels if done expanded upon properly. Fleure's expectations toward Boo and Boo's toward here quite quickly give the reader a very solid concept of this world.
At the beginning I was under the impression that the story might look at society's tendency to treat attractive people better than unattractive ones. You get La Rhatte, while horribly ugly, being very nice and sweet toward Boo, the cat brushing her off and dismissing her. I thought that it would then go to him meeting an attractive but rude and cruel witch whom he in turn would treat kindly, thus shedding light on the world's tendency to perceive others based almost solely on their physical appearance. Instead it kind of goes the opposite way, ugly witch is evil, pretty witch isn't, or at least she doesn't seem to be, we really don't get to see much of her.
Technically it's fairly sound, only a few errors that I'll just correct for you.
You write thirty as 30, it's generally considered bad form to use numbers in creative writing, in place of actually spelling out the number.
"Boo, darling~"
I'm not sure why you use a tilde here. Wouldn't it make far more sense and be far simpler to just put a period? A tilde is a symbol, when used in the English language, denotes an approximation. It has no place in prose, I don't know why you'd use it here.
"Areyoudoneokthank-you~!"
Again with the tilde, it has no purpose. You try to convey that she's speaking very quickly here and without pause but it's unwise to simply write it all as one word. It's confusing and difficult to read. Thank you is two seperate words, it's not traditionally hyphenated.
The door creaked open slowly, revealing…a pretty little girl.
When you use ellipses it's generally better to have a space between the final period and the next word. Also, avoid ellipses outside of dialogue, it's used to indicate a long pause. In dialogue the effect is better simulated by long, tense descriptions that slowly reveal the item of interest, or stall the reader long enough to create a sense of anticipation.
I don't like to see people subjectively declaring a character as attractive within the narration. In a story like this the narrator is an impartial speaker and thus should not impart opinion, and attractiveness subjective to each person. There are some situations where this is excusable but not many. It's far better to describe the character in a conventionally attractive manner or have a character state that the character is attractive so that it remains subjective to the reader.
"This is Boo, you new familiar."
I believe you meant to say, "your new familiar."
Watch for spacing, I saw a few instances of punctuation sitting all on its own or squished between two words. The punctuation should be directly following the last word, and have a space between itself and the next word.
I apologize if I didn't "get" the story. Maybe its just me or maybe you need to make it a bit more clear.